“Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy!” -More Pimpin’ Words Of Advise From “Sofabed Fred” via @themreporter


Lately I’ve been taking a risk and stopping to get a quick bite before I’m off to work. Which in turn makes me late getting to my gig. However the good thing is I’ve been luck enough to catch up with ol’ “Sofabed” and hit ’em with a couple mo’ questions inquiring (my friends) minds wanna know! I NEVER know what stop he’s getting off it so this time I cut the chit chat short, and went straight into quizzing cat daddy about the 411 of”the Game” So I set it off with a fairly interesting one…

Dear “Sofabed Fred,”
I’m REALLY digging this young lady that I’ve been seeing lately. The convo is on point, she got her paper right, AND the sex is “slap yo ex-girlfriend” good! But the trouble I seem to be encountering is that she enjoys getting oral sex from me…often. Which ISN’T a problem for me to give by ANY means, It’s just that ummm, how can I put this nicely? Well let’s just say my face smells like I ordered the “fresh catch of the day” when I’m done! And I’m not really sure how to approach the topic to tell her she got that “stinky pinky.” It’s gotten SO bad that I’m even turned off from ordering seafood when we EAT OUT (pun intended)! HELP! Cause I don’t wanna throw this “fish” back in the sea! She’s an otherwise “good catch” I’ll be holding my nose till I hear back from you.

Signed, “Sleeping w/ the fishes”

“Sofabed Fred” says “Damn man, hearing this really upsets me! How these bitches be walking around and can’t smell that catfish frying?!? I used to make ALL my hoes douche and s**t right and front of me and all. All out in the open like. Transparency like a motherf**ker man! F**k that “don’t ask don’t tell” bullshit! A ni**a needs to know man. Imma SMDH on this one brother! That’s a sticky and wet one, but I’ll tell you what you CAN do. Let me ask you, does she reciprocate the head back? See I’m only asking cause there’s some antique models out there still runnin’ round, not giving up any head man (chuckles)! I don’t know any myself personally, but I heard rumors and thangs (LOL)! Like Bigfoot and s**t! But I say try a different approach. One night when she’s looking like she’s hungry for that man jerky, run to the kitchen and rub some of that tuna juice…you know from the can? NOT the tuna with the water, the tuna that soaking in that oil and s**t! Yeah, that s**t! Rub that deep into yo afro-nuts and I mean RUB that son of a bitch in deep like you shampooing yo balls with the s**t! Then when she’s showing you some love below, what you do is hold that motherf**ker’s head like this here (using both hands in a gripping position) and really smother the b***h face all up in it! Give her a lil’ smirk as you pull her head back up fo’ air. Do that twice more times, and let her dare twist up her face and give you a stank look! Man listen! That’s when you say “You don’t like that sh** huh now do you?!? Well bit** neither me neither me!” NOW you suffer like I have suffered or you can clean out that funky kitty litter box of yours! You understand me?” ThatSHOULD work. Real nice and sincere like.”

Dear “Sofabed Fred”,
My women and I have solid relationship going on for say two years or so now. But lately I’ve been hearing the complaints about “We don’t go out no where anymore!” from her. And it’s NOT that I don’t want to take her out and about, but it’s really simply cause when we do go out, I feel like I’m playing “Kevin Costner the Bodyguard” all God damn night! Cause not only is she extremely attractive, but she wears either something TOO damn short or TOO damn tight!!! No bra at times, and I can count on one hand how many panties she owns! I DO enjoy the perks like line skipping, and bottles from thirsty cats sent over to us by hungry dudes, but… I’m done (Chris Brown voice). Need to break it to her or break it off with her!

Signed, “I refuse to be Ice Tea!”

“Sofabed Fred” says…First before I answer I have a few burning questions my damn self! Question numbero uno is, is she comfortable on her feet for long hours at a time in tall heels?” Secondly is she cool with jumping in an out of strangers car late night? And my last question is, can the b***h keep her God damn mouth shut if she gets taking in by them “blue boys?” If signs say YES, then do me a solid and give her ol’ Sofabed’s digits man! If what you talking this chick sounds like a real bread winner (chuckles)! Don’t worry I’ll still let you see her from time to time, but a ni**a gon have to “pay to lay” this time around baby! I gets shivers just thinking about NEW money & NEW hoes! Ha ha! Don’t hate the player or the coach, roach!

I asked him this last question just to see his reaction KNOWING I would get a classic response.

Dear “Sofabed Fred”
Why is it that whenever you’re REALLY in a rush to leave the house, that’s when you have to take the LONGEST sh**ts?

Sofa’ took a LONG hard look at me peering over his shades speechless like he was testing me to see if I was serious. Then he said “F**K I know! What type of stupid shit is that to ask? Tell that motherf**ker take a laxative or some s**t!HAHA!

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